EYELWAS - Final Fantasy VII

Everything You Ever Loved Was Actually Shit

Or simply EYELWAS for space consideration. Yet another mini blog series I've decided to include in my new desire to express things in typed word. Today's expose on ruining something you loved will be about the greatest loved RPG of all time. I'm talking about the single most fanboy crazed, most highly argued over value, quality and meaningful plot development delivery device game we all know and love(or hate) called Final Fantasy VII.

Let break out the scalpel and start carving up your fondest memories shall we?

The clearest starting point has to be the graphics. While I don't take issue with the static world overlays, i.e. the pre-rendered flat backgrounds 99% of the game takes place on, I can't possibly ignore the eye cancer inducing polygon models. Like any RPG enthusiast, I'll admit I'm biased against using 3D elements on a 2D field. Especially when those 3D elements look like their limbs will put out your eye. Case in point, the following comparison:

What in the mother of all fuck is going on here? Seriously, how can you go from figure 1 on the field/world maps to figure 2 on the battle maps? I mean, they're not even the same color outfit! Was Square's QA team on crack when they passed this shit? Battle maps have way more polygons than the field maps, there's zero reason for the models to differ. Even the hue of the hair differs. This kind of oversight is uncalled for. If Square doesn't care enough to do color palette checks then what else is run amok in this game?

Speaking of 'run amok' lets talk about the controls. If you've ever played Chrono Trigger you should know that Square should have a really good grasp on omni-directional movement on a planed field (i.e. moving in 360 degrees on a flat area). Alas, they drop the ball again with FF7. Movement is often jerky and abrupt. Characters flounder about running into invisible barriers incapable of smooth movements or transitions. Sure, its a flaw inherent to using polygons instead of nice clean sprites, but its also precisely why its such an issue. The game would have been better had they not made the mistake of using polygons for field characters.

Point three, character development was awful. Lets break down our protagonist and his hate-able band of cohorts.

Cloud Strife:

First off, he's a mental patient. In the most literal sense. Our hero has more issues than the National Geographic Magazine. In addition to not even having his own persona Cloud compounds the problem with his own emotional issues revolving around insecurity, guilt and personal weakness. His very existence is suspect to begin with. There's no clear evidence (from within FF7 itself) that Cloud isn't just a puppet of the game nemesis Sephiroth. An unsucessful clone of Sephiroth, Cloud only escaped with the effort of his friend/idol/dominant persona Zack. So average and basic was he that he couldn't even rise up in the ranks of the base Shinra military force being delegated to a regular grunt. Weak willed, weak bodied and ultimately weak minded (until the very last moment of the game) Cloud Strife is ripe with his name sake, even if the only real challenge he faced was his own mind.

Barret Wallace:

Barret I had to look up his last name because he's so boring I forgot it Wallace. The stereotypical 'negro' of Final Fantasy 7's fantasy world (and practically the only person of color). A swearing, slang spewing and over-reactionary egotistical one act pony Barret is an unending insult to the intellect of people and gamers ever where. While I have nothing against adding characters with some personal color (not their skin but their behavior, mannerism, speaking, etc.) the over reaching attempts of Square to 'ghetto up' Barret were so ridiculous it removed any creditability of his character. The leader of the terrorist/freedom fighter group AVALANCHE he's represented as someone you would never take seriously, someone that could never bind together a group to assault the world's leading corporate and military group. Also, who names their organization after an event that leaves nothing but death and devastation to all in its path? Truth be told, as shallow as his existence is Barret is the only character with well founded emotions against Shinra. After he worked unknowingly to create the end of his own town and lost his arm and good friend during the conflict I can understand his hatred to his oppressors, but the well thought out planning of his attacks against Shinra so betray his base and simple characteristics that it feels forced and out of place. Someone with Barret's persona would be more inclined to random violence targeted at the people of Shinra more than its industry infrastructure. Its no wonder such a man would have to pay his co-conspirators.

Aerith Gainsborough:

Despite the failed localization calling her Aeris in the US version Aerith was one of the few believable characters in the entire game. Which might be why she was killed off by the start of disc two. The death of Aerith is listed as one of the most influential and emotionally powerful movements in gaming history, often being recalled with great detail and enthusiasm by people asked about it. And, if you had never played a Final Fantasy before, I guess I can see that view point. But death in Final Fantasy is nothing new. I'll admit the inclusion of FMV death and burial scenes do help deliver the point home a whole better though. However, even for all her memorability, Aerith is still a victim of bad game design. So utterly engrossed in her lost ex Zack she clings to and grows fond of Cloud for his similar 'mako eyes' and clearly stolen persona mannerisms. While one might be inclined to understand her confusion and flustering disloyalty to her ex, who for all she knows still lives, is still a little sad and pathetic, but then again she only (apparently) met and started dating Zack when she was 16 so I can excuse some behavioral hiccups since she's still emotionally developing and since she hasn't seen or heard from him in over two years.

The last of her species/bloodline Aerith is destined to a divine existence by RPG cliche. Though only technically a half breed at best, her status as an 'ancient' is often misused and glossed over giving no real information on her people or their ultimate goals beyond 'making worlds suitable for life' as they wandered about the universe. So unfulfilled is her story that she becomes a back note character despite actually being paramount to the story. Coupled with her weak battle abilities and limited functionality of limit breaks, Aerith is the second most under utilized character in the game.

Tifa Lockhart:

The unrequited love interest of childhood Cloud and most underused battler Tifa takes a backseat to Aerith because of her insecurities over Cloud and Aerith's closeness and her own misgivings about her own strength. Tifa is the stereotypical tsundere character of the game. She's strong headed and opinionated on the surface, but hides a smaller shy and approval seeking under character. If Final Fantasy 7 had been an anime Tifa would have been the tomboy next door that only realized that she likes you after some other girl charms you and more quickly sees you're true charms. Indecisive and wish-washy Tifa is often only considered and kept around for her ample breasts. Her limit break system is so atrocious that using it can be frustrating and mind boggling in comparison to the simple pick and click options other players are given. From her magically well timed salvation during Sephiroth's mindfuck in Nibleheim to her just happenstance finding of Cloud after his wandering crawl into Midgar, Tifa is a persistently forced plot movement device.

RedXIII:

The lets add a lion/wolf/thing to the game filler creature. So completely cliche is his existence that if RedXIII had been human he would have been the hero of the story. An orphan, raised by some all knowing old dude that has no blood relation (who also magically floats) Red is the last of his kind, as for as the player can tell from the complete and utter lack of anything else like him until last scene after the end credits anyway. The pet of the group Red is rescued from Shinra's labs saving him from a life of experiments and potential dissections. That's it, that's his entire motivation. Aside from a critically small back story where he puts down the ghosts of the warriors that slew his father RedXIII literally has no story or motivation beyond the base 'save the world' reasoning. A decent battler RedXIII finds a balanced place as usable character until someone better comes along, which doesn't take long.

Yuffie Kasiragi:

He, he, he, I'm a thief. Seriously, don't turn your back on this klepto freak. Yuffie suffers from the 'lets add something native(foreign)' to the game. Because every RPG needs a stereotypical asian themed town/character. A victim of cliche Yuffie's only redeeming quality is her usefulness as a fighter and the early ability to pick her up. Unknown to many players (at the time of the game's initial release) you can recruit Yuffie the stereotypical ninja girl before ever leaving the first continent. Grabbing her up early replaces RedXII from the roster of effect fighters and gives you a new long range fighter. Her back story is laughable. Her hometown, so affected by its 'war' with Shinra that its been delegated to a simple resort town (oh the horror) that she's on a quest to swindle steal and squeeze out materia in an attempt to gain I don't know what, to combat the need to rely on Shinra's vacationing executives to keep her city afloat.

Cait Sith:

The lovable stuffed and expendable robotic doll controlled secretly by a Shinra exec unhappy with his 401k, Cait Sith is a snore and utter useless outside of being a damage sponge. His two meager limit breaks are just as helpful as they can be hurtful and are best not used, ever. Honestly, he just sucks all around. Which is awful considering in appeal, he's my favorite character, but there's just no practical use for him. The machinations of Rufus back at Shinra HQ are never truly explained and as a character, he and Catsee (the proper pronunciation of Cait Sith) are ultimately pointless outside of serving for a single plot point in the Temple of the Ancients.

Vincent Valentine:

Quite possibly the only truly motivated and driven character in the game Vincent is a non-sparkly vampire (implied) created by the wicked mind of Hojo after he tries to interrupt/prevent the conception and birth of Sephiroth from the womb of the woman he loved Lucrecia. Unfortunately a potentially missed ally Mr. Valentine can be passed up without ever even knowing of his existence because of the obscure location and recruiting method he has. A wonderful long range battler Vincent would make a great replacement for Barret if not for his berserk inducing limit breaks. Any awesomeness Vincent possesses as a character is completely overshadowed by his lack of well designed battle capabilities. A real pity.

Cid Highwind:

The last man aboard the cruise ship of suck Cid is the obligatory 'older gruff guy' in the game. Swear heavy, disrespectful and disgruntle his personal motivations limited to just "I want to fly and they won't let me" pinning against Shinra for cutting funding on his space exploration plans. That's it really, he's an unhappy ex-employee. Really deep Square.

Of course, I can't really ignore the giant long katana wielding elephant in the room either can I.

Sephiroth:

If he has a last name, I don't know it. Not that it really matters. Sephiroth is acclaimed as a villain among villains. The boss of bosses. The most badass and vile... okay, I can't keep that up. Sephiroth is a tool. He's the Edward Cullen of villains. Sparkly and pathetic. I get it, he has his motivations, his 'mother' is a biotic organism from space bent on destroying and consuming all life in the universe. Cool, okay. But finding out you were genetically modified doesn't give you a go crazy and murder everyone free card. People find out they're adopted all the time. Having a shit childhood is not a good reason to become a super villain. In the scale of villainy evil Sephiroth ranks at the bottom. His only evil deed was burning down Nibelheim which, honestly, I think the fire did most the work. Sure, he jedi mind controlled Cloud into giving him the Black Materia, which Jenova, not Sephisuck, then used to call in its body (go play again, Jenova literally is 'the calamity from the sky') down from space to finish the job it started aeons ago. Sephiroth was just an errand boy. His only redeeming trait is his skill with the sword, that he used to cut down Tifa and stab Cloud with, successfully not killing him and instead causing his own death by a crazy oh-my-god suddenly Cloud is win turn of events. Given how Cloud always wins every encounter they have I can't help but think that Sephiroth's mother likes him better since she never gives her first born the strength to beat him. Sephiroth is so single minded and boring that he's not even worth considering a bad guy. No aspirations for glory, no deep seated personal motivations or world hatred he's just a nut case that wants to destroy.

Funky graphics, bad controls, shit characters, the only thing left that can even remotely redeem this game is the battle system. For all its parts, the materia system is complex and simple at the same time. Its existence as the 'crystallized knowledge of the ancients' is a little suspect, but its application is clear. If it wasn't for the basic copy cat like performance of its cast the system would be even better. Sadly with enough grinding any character can play any role and the lack of complexity in choosing party members further degrades their importance and blends them together into a unified mess.

Ultimately Final Fantasy VII is weak compared to its predecessors (not that they weren't actually shit as well). Cliche, uninspired and unimaginative the game isn't worth your time or your praise. Even though you may have loved it at the time, Final Fantasy VII was actually shit.

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Disclaimer: EYELWAS is written purely for entertainment value. In the end your opinion, like my own counts for nothing and may not even be properly, truly or accurately represented in the preceding post.